Being a social butterfly

does not mean I always have wings

Frequently, more than you would assume

leaving the abode, the cocoon as it is

dancing around the lights

flickering happy, bouncing around

does not come easy

Even when physically out in the world

willing to be and go everywhere

I will stand on the proverbial wall

sometimes it'll be a bar stool

other times as close to the door possible

or even the middle of the room

trying to be invisible

or feeling like I am

There have been multiple events

where I know I would greeted

gladly, treated like the best

but the inner battle

is lost quickly

although fought all night

the desire to live

is shot down by the ennui

the unnerving, not understandable

mental breakdown

scared of interactions

fear of what?

I do not know

That is the problem

the fear of not knowing

what you are afraid of

having zero fear

which is your biggest fear itself

will you say something wrong

is going worth it

is staying home worth it

if you do one

you can't do the other

and then if you do go out

anything “bad” that may happen

you're left wondering

but if you had stayed home

it could have been worse

vice versa

as it goes

it has, it will, it has, it will, it has... it will... it has... stop...go...go...stopgostopstopgostopgostop